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For You

Happy Birthday, rosathome! Be Careful What You Wish For . . .

Title: Love, Absurdly
Word Count: 2547
Summary: Three couples, one nightmare of a fluffy fic.
Author’s Notes: As an auction prompt, rosathome asked for three fluffy pairings – Lucius/Narcissa, Bellatrix/ Rodolphus Lestrange, and Charlie/Mary Sue. I decided to combine their individual stories into one fic, just like the movie, Love, Actually.

Yes, this story is just like that movie. *rolls eyes at self*

Pairings: Lucius/Narcissa, Bellatrix/ Rodolphus, Charlie/Mary Sue, St. Mags/Glenlivet
Warnings: unbeta'd - but that's the least of it.


The omniscient narrator (ON) looked over St. Mags’ shoulder as she typed a not-very-gracious intro for her next story. ON, being an exceedingly formal narrator, did not like that St. Mags had abbreviated her title, but there was nothing she could do about it. St. Mags was in control of that keyboard and ON was not.

This was a good example of how an omniscient narrator was not a stand-in for the author.

Oh, no indeed. That was one of many fallacies about omniscient narrators that dear rosathome had tried to dispel on the forum at Absolute Write.

It bothered rosathome when someone was wrong on the Internet, but there was nothing ON could do about it. She (ON) reported the news in her own distinctive voice; she didn’t make it.

St. Mags was happily typing away while the ON was otherwise engaged with telling the readers some of rosathome’s backstory. Now that that task was done, ON had the chance to read the screen.

ON was horrified.

St. Mags was quickly growing tired of the omniscient narrator POV.

“You just imagined me as me a bunny?”

“Yup,” St. Mags replied, not bothering to look over at the fluffy white rabbit that had now appeared on the back of her chair.

“But –“ ON’s pink nose twitched disagreeably. “You’ve just turned me into a character. That’s not omniscient point of view!”

“No, it isn’t,” St. Mags agreed cheerfully.

“I would never wear pearls,” ON said haughtily.

“No?” St. Mags kept typing.

“Or a pince-nez.”

St. Mags giggled. “I would have given you a lorgnette if you had hands.”

“Oh, for the –" ON sighed and accepted her reduced status as a bizarre character in one of St. Mag’s little birthday stories. Since she was omniscient, she knew that St. Mags didn’t have a lot of time to write a proper story for rosathome this week, and her new fluffy fur coat was rather nice. “So what am I doing in this story?”

“Not much. I won’t need you again until the epilogue,” St. Mags replied.

ON’s pearls clicked and the other bunnies (The non-sentient dust bunny kind)scattered when she hopped off of the chair. “I’m going to take a nap,” ON said with as much dignity as a rabbit could whilst wearing a pince-nez and pearls.

The entire situation was beyond ridiculous even for those not gifted with the omniscient point of view.

Part The First: Bad Beginnings

Bellatrix Black and Rodolphus Lestrange

"Only boys can be psycho-killer nutters," growled a voice from the train seat behind her.

Young Bellatrix Black stiffened. How dare someone listen to her private conversation! She whirled around with her wand out and her teeth barred.

The boy she had noticed earlier at Kings Cross - the one with the attractive black-red eyes that seemed to burn holes in his sallow face - was watching her. He had a small struggling boy in a headlock.

"Go ahead," he taunted. "Show me how psycho you really are. Use your wand on this Muggleborn."

"You must be a Muggleborn if you can't use magic to hold a victim," she snarled, hoping her hair was still attractively standing on end.

"My magic is so powerful, I'd kill this shrimp," the boy boasted.

"Do you have a big wand to back up that big talk?" Bella asked boldly. She was trying to act casual by slicing a ribbon of magic through the Muggleborn's sleeve, but inside her stomach was full of writhing snakes. A sure sign of love, Granny Black had told her once whilst they were chopping live Puffskeins for a potion.

Narcissa Black and Lucius Malfoy

“He looks just like me,” Narcissa said to her favorite mirror in the girls’ dormitory at Hogwarts. “He has long blond hair – like mine.” She took a snake-handled brush with the initials NB carved in the back and smoothed it over her long, silvery-blonde locks.

“But he could never be as attractive,” Echo the Mirror cooed.

Narcissa’s gray – no – silver eyes widened. “But he is,” she whispered in awe. “I couldn’t believe it when I saw him walk up to the Sorting Hat. I’ve never seen someone as attractive as I am – and he’s a boy.”

“Humility does not become a Black or a Slytherin,” the mirror snapped.

Narcissa bit her lip and contemplated the wisdom of bringing this mirror from the Black family home. Usually Echo was so compliant – and complimentary. She raised her chin.
“It’s the truth,” she said fiercely. “He’s in Slytherin, so we’re equals.”

“Ah,” said the mirror.

“Ah, what?”

“Symmetry is pleasing to the eye.”

“It is, isn’t it?” Narcissa smiled dreamily as she thought of how well they would look together.

Charlie Weasley and Mary Sue Sparkleton

“She’s from America and she’s sixteen - the same age as you,” Percy Weasley informed his older brother. “The Sorting Hat couldn’t place her since she embodies the best of all four houses.”

Charlie stopped eating long enough to look down the long trestle table to the golden-haired girl who was causing such a sensation. His blue eyes narrowed. The female of the species was always the most dangerous, and this particular witch alerted every nerve ending in his body to trouble ahead.

“They say she learned wandless magic first, because she couldn’t afford a wand,” Percy continued.

I’d share my wand with her.

The thought came unbidden as Charlie watched Mary Sue bite into a ripe strawberry and then lick the juice away from her full lips.

“I dunno,” Percy murmured as he, too, seemed to be mesmerized by the sight of Mary Sue’s mouth. “Some of the stories about her are fantastic – even for the Hogwarts grapevine.”

Charlie’s mouth went dry as he watched her stand up, stretch her arms and then arch her back like a Welsh Green in heat. “Like what? What fantastic stories?”

“That’s she smart and good and beautiful and she plays Quidditch like a demon, but sings like an angel.”


They both watched her bend over to tie her shoe.

“Double-jointed, too,” Percy observed.

Charlie wondered if he was as flushed as Percy. Probably. He sighed. Mary Sue would never look at him – it was no matter that he was Captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team.

“Likes tattoos, I hear,” Percy added thoughtfully.

Part the Second: The Muddled Middle

Bellatrix stood proudly between Rodolphus and Rabastan Lestrange. Never had she loved her husband more as they openly declared their loyalty to the Dark Lord in front of the Wizengamot.

They would go to Azkaban, of course. These Muggle-borns and Blood-traitors were too limp-livered to torture. She had nothing to fear at Azkaban. Her husband was with her to remind her of all they held dear.

Dark Magic. The Dark Lord.

Loving the same thing – the same person - kept them together, she thought as she watched Rudolphus through lowered lashes. When his lip curled with disdain like that, she could almost consider granting him her favors. Her Dark Lord was gone. (Soon to return, of course!) But a witch did have needs.

She bit the inside of her mouth and stuck out her bloody tongue for Rudolphus to see as his sentence was read. Then she slithered it in and out of her mouth in the most provocative manner.

Rudolphus’s lip curled – but not in disdain!

Bellatrix’s heart soared in anticipation. The Dementor’s fog was the perfect place for a Death Eater’s tryst.


“He can take over my house, my bank vault – even my wand. But he can’t have you, Narcissa,” Lucius snarled as he watched the two them reflected in Echo the Mirror.

“Of course, not,” Narcissa agreed, smoothing an errant lock of her hair. “I would expect you to kill me before it came to that.” She met his eyes in the mirror. “And then kill yourself, of course.”

“It would be the same thing,” Lucius replied bleakly. “Killing you would mean killing me.”

“The symmetry would be broken,” Narcissa said, clutching her hands together. “All that beauty – gone.”

“But Draco would live on.”


Narcissa sighed with fierce satisfaction. There was another – just as beautiful as they.


“I like it,” Mary Sue said in her musical voice. Her fingers traced the dark lines of the heart tattoo on Charlie’s muscled upper arm. “Such a strong man to wear his heart on his sleeve.”

“It’s for you, Mary Sue,” Charlie said, not realizing that he had finally created a rhyme after agonizing over the four-line love poem he had been trying to write. There just didn’t seem to be rhyming words for ‘Quidditch’ or ‘American.’

“I’m honored,” she said, as crystalline tears formed in her incredible blue eyes. “A tattoo is forever.”

“Forever?” he gasped.

She placed her lips against his open mouth. “Forever,” she repeated, using his open-mouthed astonishment to swipe her tongue across his.

Forever was a long time, Charlie thought as he tentatively returned her kiss. But then –

He rolled her on to her back and cradled her in his strong arms (A/N: one of those arms has a heart tattoo). This was Mary Sue – the American sex goddess Quidditch player Healer - kissing him with such ardor.

He mentally shrugged.

Now was now.

Part the Third: an Epilogue-y Interlude

ON, the omniscient narrator bunny, was awakened by the sound of – no – that wasn’t right. There was no sound. She just knew what St. Mags was thinking, being omniscient and all.

She sniffed around for her pince nez; found it; and with great difficulty, placed it on her twitching nose. Now she could see to read St. Mags’ monitor.

ON hopped back two paces when she saw what was written there. It was dreadful!

And getting worse! There was no way to end a story with three nightmare couples in the fluffy manner that rosathome’s prompt had demanded.

“Don’t say it,” St. Mags warned, wondering if there was still something left in that bottle of Scotch in the kitchen or if she had downed it all when she made Charlie blue-eyed. “I did the best I could.”

“Azkaban fog sex?” ON asked incredulously. “That’s not fluffy.”

“It is to Bellatrix,” St. Mags defended. “And she going to love the graveyard scene.”

“Graveyard scene?”

“Where plot bunnies go to die,” St. Mags said, gritting her teeth. “All endings point to a psychological death – the story is over and the reader is free to move on to another great adventure.”

ON sniffed the author's breath, but couldn’t seem to smell any alcohol. Ah, well. St. Mags had just gone around the bend from writing Death Eater Fluff – it happened.

“So let’s do it.”

Part the Fourth: Eternal Endings

The myopic bunny hopped along in the shelter of the yew trees bordering the Happy Endings Graveyard. (Trademark pending)She was not alone. A well-dressed, well-matched, couple was strolling along the avenue of tombstones.

“Here they are,” Lucius said quietly. His light hair contrasted attractively with the gloomy surroundings.

Narcissa dropped a bunch of Deadly Nightshade on the grave of her elder sister and brother-in-law and stepped back to read the inscription aloud:

“Here lies Bellatrix Black Lestrange and her husband, Rudolphus. They died laughing maniacally.”

ON’s pearls suddenly felt tight around her neck.

“It’s perfect,” Narcissa declared, shedding a sentimental tear. “As a child, Bella practiced that laugh until she could make the houseplants wilt.”

Lucius took her hand. “Steady. You’ll make your lovely eyes red.”

“Do you think Rudolphus really died laughing maniacally?” Narcissa asked, leaning against her husband’s chest and looking into his familiar gray eyes. “I don’t know how he could - after seeing Bellatrix struck down.”

“He was going to be with her,” Lucius said firmly. “And with no intrusive Dark Lord to bother them in the afterlife. The Dark Lord ended up as a baby, I’m told.”

“Oh, Lucius.” Narcissa’s voice broke. “Their next great adventure will be to love that shell of humanity, that squalling bundle of evil, that baby Horcrux, left behind in Kings Cross Station.”

Lucius swallowed. “I hope they have the same satisfaction that we have had in raising Draco.”

“Yes,” Narcissa said, her face turning scarlet in the reflection of the setting sun. “Yes.”

Well, thought ON, thoroughly nonplussed by this turn of events.

The Malfoys left the graveyard. All was peaceful. The sun set in its usual place in the west. The stars appeared, one by one. It was a glorious summer night.

Then sparkles began to dance in the air.

ON’s nose twitched in anticipation. Mary Sue, the American exchange student, Quidditch player-Healer was about to appear.

Mary Sue was gorgeous in a white gown with a crown of flowers in her golden hair. She could have been an extra in the Shine video – she was that beautiful. But how could this pairing end fluffily? ON wondered with a growing sense of unease. Charlie was the shortest twig on the Weasley family tree. There was no room for Mary Sue.

“Ah, Mary Sue,” Charlie shouted as he rode in on a fire-breathing dragon of some sort. ON leapt back and Mary Sue doused the flames consuming her gown with a steady hand. (A/N: wandless magic, remember?)

“This parting is for the best,” Mary Sue said bravely. “Love has enemies, you know.”

“I know.” Charlie sighed and wondered how quickly he could find a barber to cut off the mullet that seemed to sprout every time he was around Mary Sue.

“But love never dies,” Mary Sue continued in a strong (yet musical and angelic) voice.

“Never?” Charlie asked with a caressing smile. He was glad Mary Sue wasn't ending it completely. He wouldn’t mind a little tumble in the hay with Mary Sue every once in a while. Thankfully, the Muggles had developed laser wand treatments for unwanted tattoos

“Never,” she repeated, clutching the lapels of his t-shirt and kissing him passionately. “I can come back from Planet Sparkle in the blink of an eye.”

“I knew you weren’t American!” Charlie said, laughter twinkling in his blue eyes. "You didn't say OMG once."

ON hopped in delight. She loved science fiction.

Mary Sue covered her mouth. This was the first mistake she had ever made. Now she couldn’t go back to Planet Sparkle. She would have to stay on lj and live out her days in fan fiction, coupling with the likes of Draco and Snape and . . .

“Don’t worry,” Charlie said, cupping her cold hands with his warm hands. Now that Mary Sue wasn't annoyingly perfect (but was still hot), he actually liked her. “We’ll go live in an alternate universe, where my eyes are blue, my branch on the Weasley family tree is as long as my wand, and you’re from another planet.”

“Really?” she asked, as more crystalline tears filled her sapphire eyes.

“Really,” blue-eyed Charlie confirmed. “Wherever we go, we’ll shine.”

ON watched them ride away on their dragon into the starry night. It was a beautiful sight and,oddly enough, the one scenario that wasn’t in the Shine video.

“Well?” St. Mags asked from somewhere behind ON.

The bunny turned and looked at the author. She was leaning negligently (or drunkenly)against a tall, narrow tombstone.

“What does it say?” ON hopped curiously to the well-worn stone.

“The End.”

ON nodded. “That about sums it up.”


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I giggled madly throughout but this line was brilliant!

Charlie sighed and wondered how quickly he could find a barber to cut off the mullet that seemed to sprout every time he was around Mary Sue.

I hope Ros enjoyed this as much as I did
Well, what's not to like? Like the Shine video, it has *everything.* Thanks for reading! :)
This is so fab! I love that you wrote me crack!fic with all these non-fluffy pairings. I love the poor omniscient bunny in pearls and pince nez, who has to let the author take control. Bella and Rodolphus are hilarious - flirting in front of the Dark Lord! And I'm suspecting that she's had one too many drinks, given her increasing inability to pronounce her husband's name. *g*

I LOVE Narcissa living up to her name - only someone as beautiful as she is will do. Beauty in symmetry indeed. And Sparkly Mary Sue Sparkleton!! Who likes tattooed Charlie!! Of course she does.

I hope you had as much fun writing this as I did reading it. Thank you!!
I'm glad you thought it was funny. I corrected the slurred spelling. :)

It's not exactly your "Shine" challenge, but it has a long-haired blond "hero."

I hope you're having a good birthday!
*giggles like mad*

You are hilarious. I loved it! I particularly enjoyed Narcissa and Lucius--and, of course, Charlie's arms. :-)

What a perfect gift for Ros!
LOL - no story with Charlie can go without mentioning Charlie's arms. They're canon!
Only St Mags could tie it all together. Now we need another story about Charlie and Sparkly Mary Sue's children- Charlie Chew, Mary Sue II, and Lukey Lou (gender unknown).
That's right. The Weasley family tree needs more leafy branches. :)
You had me at first phrase. I started laughing then, and worried that if I didn't pace myself, I might never finish my coffee. My coffee HAS gone cold, thanks to you!

Oh, Mary, where do you come up with all these ideas? I thought you were channeling Lewis Carroll in the Prologue, but then you went on your own wacky way. :-) And I can't tell you how "Eternal Endings" made me snicker - I've just come from 2 weeks of sight-seeing Chinese palaces called "The Hall of Longevity and Peace", "The Hall of Eternal Beauty" a.s.o. Hubby and I were constantly in stitches over this.

Well done, my dear!
LOL - my own wacky way. Thanks for coming along with me! Yes, the Chinese are not subtle in their use of language. (Or the translations aren't) Thanks for reading! I hope you join us on moonette's journal.

Every time I read something from you, be it a story or just a post...I'm rememinded what a wonderfully talented person you are. And you're not even a Mary Sue!
Are you sure? Have you seen her birth certificate? Have you seen whether she sparkles? Are her eyes a color rarely found in nature?

I think St. Mags/Glenlivet is my new OTP.

Funny, my husband is never jealous when I have a mild flirtation with Glenlivet.
I laughed throughout - what a delicious piece of crack!fic.

How funny that Percy has *all* the Hogwarts gossip worth sharing. :P
But of course Percy knows all the gossip. He's a prefect and prefects must know what's going on. *nods*
*sniggers* Great stuff as always. Loved all of it - fantastic crack!fic. Really. *sniggers some more*

*hums* It's for you, Mary Sue! You know I love you, I'll always be true... Oooooo! Mary Sue! *dissolves in laughter*
LOL - I can imagine Charlie singing that off-tune and with a big grin.
Hilarious! ROTFL at ON. I think there should be a crack!fic sequel where she marries Harvey. ;)

I loved Percy in this! It was really cute that he's trying to help out his big brother. I could see Percy having information even as a 12 or 13 year-old because he would want to know what's going on and would probably overhear a lot since he's quiet.

Narcissa/ Lucius was my favorite ship in this. I could actually see them acting just like that.

Azkaban fog sex. ROTFLMBO! Great job all around. :)
LOL - Harvey.

I just can't take Bellatrix seriously - she's too out there for me. So in order to write fluff for her - I had to go out there, too. *sigh* Good think Ros's birthday comes but once a year!

And Percy just kind of showed up (like ON) You never know what will happend when on the keyboard. :) Thanks for reading!
Here via girlyswot. This is wrongly brilliant.
LOL - wrong is right! Thanks for reading!
Brilliant as ever, Mary. I'm sorry there wasn't time to beta. The only correction I had made by yesterday evening was to Rodolphus' name.

I'm sure that both blue-eyed and brown-eyed Charlie would prefer Ros to that awful, sparkly reation.
LOL - don't worry about it - I gave you absolutely no notice and girlyswot didn't seem to mind betaing her own fic.

But, but, Mary Sue is double-jointed!! What fan fic. male could resist her. :)
You had way too much fun with this, didn't you?

*Not wondering if there was still something left in that bottle of Scotch in the kitchen, I only bought it last week so it's still almost full. Fortunately.*
I just can't take Bellatrix seriously - she's kind of a Death Eater's Mary Sue - too perfectly evil.

LOL - a bottle of Scotch takes years to produce - hopefully it will last more than a week in anyone's kitchen.:)

Thanks for reading!
Fantastic, St. Mags! I giggled all the way through. Why have I never seen a B/R + L/N + C/MS fic before?? They are so entertaining!

Ardie_bea *has* to see this...

And my favourite bit was this: "You must be a Muggleborn if you can't use magic to hold a victim," she snarled, hoping her hair was still attractively standing on end.
Bellatrix's beauty tips, coming soon to a blog near you. LOL!
Time to be a trend-setter.

LOL- Death Eater beauty blogs! If you're going to persue immortality, you should look good doing it!
A purported St Margaret story with no Harry, no Ginny and Dementor's fog as a sex aid. Who are you and what have you done with Mary?

BTW, I think you meant maniacally not manically.
Yes, thank you - I'll correct it. LOL - no H/G - I'm going to have to write some today - therapy after such traumatic fluff. Thanks for reading!
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